Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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