i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
