There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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