I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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