Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
