Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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