He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
