the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
