Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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