did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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