he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
