Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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