There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
