OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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