so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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