I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
