So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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