Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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