he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
