Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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