After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
