Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
