his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize