And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
