i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
