i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize