Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
