my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
