Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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