She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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