She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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