No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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