Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
