I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
