omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize