so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
