I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
