Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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