i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
