You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
