i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
