my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
