having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
