sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm really busy with my period
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