she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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