So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
