i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
