Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
