I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my poor anus
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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