shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
