dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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