It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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