I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
