remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
