so explain again why im purple
no
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
