My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
