Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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