She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
