fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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