I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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