so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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