So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
