Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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