I cannot find my penis.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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